Maybe it's the month of August, his birthday month. Or maybe my way of coping is pushing it away for as long as I can & my time is out. Or maybe even that exactly one year ago this week we were together. Whatever it is, it's hard. Losing someone is so hard. Losing someone that has seen you in every season throughout your whole life is harder.
I've pushed God out so many times. I've screamed. I've cried. I've taken God by the hand & escorted Him out my front door. I never stopped loving Him. But I did stop asking for Him. I never stopped believing in Him. But I did stop listening to Him. I just couldn't understand why such a 'loving' creator could take MY innocent, self loving, hilarious, kind hearted brother when there are people out there commiting horendous crimes. What did my mom, who worked so hard her whole life for her three babies do to deserve to have her only son taken away from her?! How is that even fair? I blamed God. I blamed Him for all this pain and suffering He put on my family's life. I blamed Him for taking my family's foundation & shaking it, leaving all these broken pieces everywhere. I watched these strong people in my life crumble. I watched the strongest woman I have ever met break into a thousand tiny pieces. My whole world was falling apart. There was not one thing in my life that was 'normal'. I was so angry. I was carrying all of this hurt around trying to be strong for my mom, my sister, my grandparents, everyone. & I just broke. I avoided anything & everything. I was literally at my breaking point.
& it was in this 'mindset' I was in. This mindset where the whole world was out to get me. Where God was against me. I found God again. I ran right into Him. This small, innocent voice coming from my back seat 'mom, I know what (uncle) Destin is doing with Gosh in Heaven! He's playing football!' Here I was stuck in my own little pity party, pushing God away. Literally, pushing Him away. & here out of nowhere my sons voice changed it all. My sons whole life I have taught him the word of God. I've answered questions from where does God sleep to how tall do you think God is. & here he was reminding me that my brother is as happy as can be to be Home. That our life here is temporary.
I was holding the weight of everything going on in my life when I could have given all my doubt & hardships to God. Yet, I didn't. I didn't turn to him. & all it took was a simple statement from my child. A simple statement that stopped me. I just sat there. & the next thing I know, I was praying. & through all my selfishness, He was there. Waiting so patiently for me to come back to Him. HOW AM I WORTHY OF THAT? This amazing creator of ours took me back. He stood by me when I was at my weakest, at my most vulnerable times & loved me. He knew what I was going through & He never left me alone.
Do I still get angry with God? ABSOLUTELY! I still find myself questioning Gods motives on things. I'm human, I have bad days. More bad than good sometimes. But during those times I HAVE to take a step back & look at what He's doing. Our God knew the soul, the kindness, the love my brother had & He chose him to come Home. My brother was hand picked by the beautiful creator of all things. He knew the love my brother had for Him. He knew the precious heart he had. & He picked him to come back Home.
My brother has given me a whole new outlook on life. I pray for anyone & everyone asking for prayers. I stop whatever I'm doing. I try & look for the good in every person & every situation. I try to focus on how blessed my life is. I'm not saying I don't struggle. Because I do. I still get angry. I still have times where I just want things to go my way. I'm impatient. I'm selfish at times. I tend to hold onto things I need to let go. But I try. & I love God with all that I have. My faith has grown immensely. & I owe it all to the love my brother had for God. & I thank my brother every single day for showing me that love.
There has never been a time in my life where I didn't believe in God. There was never a time where I didn't love God. But there was a time where I could've loved more. Where I could've have trusted Him more. Where I could've let my selfish ways go. & that's the beauty of Gods love. There was this season of my life where the weight of the world was pushing me & what I didn't know was that the roots of my faith were being planted. & now here I am at my most vulnerable & my faith is blooming.
You're going to have trials in your life when you want to run from God. You're going to have events where you get so angry with Him. Events that you just don't get & you think you know what's right & He doesn't. & you're going to have days where you feel like the whole world is against you & you'll ask yourself 'why does this stuff always happen to me?' That is God nudging you to trust Him & to come closer to Him. He planned your life for you. He loves you. You are His child. & you're doing the best you can.
