Opiate Epidemic

 

I woke up this morning just like every other morning. I got up, got dressed, got my kids dressed & breakfast. Rushed out the door, talked to my best friend on the phone until my first stop. Got back to my car & checked Facebook. & that’s when my normal morning changed. Changed quickly. 

Another beautiful life gone. Never able to talk to their mom, dad, friends, kids, partner. They’re gone. All my feelings from November 18th 2016 instantly come back. But this time worse. This set of family & friends & peers are feeling everything I did losing my brother. I woke up to a normal day this morning, they did not. 

Every. Single. Day. I get on social media I see & read something about someone falling deeper & deeper into the opiate crisis. These amazing, talented, loving people are drowning in opiates. Why is this happening? These are people you & I have seen since we can remember. They are normal people. 

I googled & googled. & even googled some more. I just wanted answers. I want to know why. I mean, we all know about drugs & addictions & what it does to you. So what is it that keeps bringing them back?

& that’s when I closed out of google. My answers weren’t there.

 We all live with this mentality that it won’t ever be me. We all think we are undefeatable. We all think we know ourselves & our limits. but we don’t. drugs are stronger than you & I. They don’t care what color hair you have. They don’t care what makes you smile.  They don’t care that losing you means your loved ones will never be the same. They don’t care about you. Drugs will hurt anyone who lets them. 

Addiction-noun

1. the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

   
   

Addiction, I believe, is a hard battle that people have to struggle with every single day. I can’t imagine. It’s such a horrible, horrible disease that can completely ruin an amazing person. I firmly believe it is one of the hardest things to suffer from. I’ve seen a struggling addict. I’ve witnessed the countless struggles. The wanting to do right. But wanting to feel good. I’m not by any means saying addiction is easy. It’s not. 

But I do want you to know, whether you’re a stuggling addict, know someone struggling, or are completely clueless about it all, drugs don’t define you. DRUGS DO NOT DEFINE YOU. they don’t. 

& I hate that when someone dies from an overdose people go ‘well, they knew better’ excuse me? That’s a life gone & you’re telling me that ‘they knew better’? Well did you know that person ‘who knew better’ was fighting every day to be better. That they had been clean for awhile. (I’ll go ahead & end this paragraph because it’s a whole blog post in itself)

We all have vices. We know these vices are bad. But we do it anyway. We’re human. We make mistakes. I’m here to tell you, if you’re struggling, please reach out. Please. I’m here for you, whether I know you or not, I’m here to help. 

Please feel free to email me

macieseattle@hotmail.com

My hope is You alone

 Maybe it's the month of August, his birthday month. Or maybe my way of coping is pushing it away for as long as I can & my time is out. Or maybe even that exactly one year ago this week we were together. Whatever it is, it's hard. Losing someone is so hard. Losing someone that has seen you in every season throughout your whole life is harder.

I've pushed God out so many times. I've screamed. I've cried. I've taken God by the hand & escorted Him out my front door. I never stopped loving Him. But I did stop asking for Him. I never stopped believing in Him. But I did stop listening to Him. I just couldn't understand why such a 'loving' creator could take MY innocent, self loving, hilarious, kind hearted brother when there are people out there commiting horendous crimes. What did my mom, who worked so hard her whole life for her three babies do to deserve to have her only son taken away from her?! How is that even fair? I blamed God. I blamed Him for all this pain and suffering He put on my family's life. I blamed Him for taking my family's foundation & shaking it, leaving all these broken pieces everywhere. I watched these strong people in my life crumble. I watched the strongest woman I have ever met break into a thousand tiny pieces. My whole world was falling apart. There was not one thing in my life that was 'normal'. I was so angry. I was carrying all of this hurt around trying to be strong for my mom, my sister, my grandparents, everyone. & I just broke. I avoided anything & everything. I was literally at my breaking point. 

& it was in this 'mindset' I was in. This mindset where the whole world was out to get me. Where God was against me. I found God again. I ran right into Him. This small, innocent voice coming from my back seat 'mom, I know what (uncle) Destin is doing with Gosh in Heaven! He's playing football!' Here I was stuck in my own little pity party, pushing God away. Literally, pushing Him away. & here out of nowhere my sons voice changed it all. My sons whole life I have taught him the word of God. I've answered questions from where does God sleep to how tall do you think God is. & here he was reminding me that my brother is as happy as can be to be Home. That our life here is temporary. 

I was holding the weight of everything going on in my life when I could have given all my doubt & hardships to God. Yet, I didn't. I didn't turn to him. & all it took was a simple statement from my child. A simple statement that stopped me. I just sat there. & the next thing I know, I was praying. & through all my selfishness, He was there. Waiting so patiently for me to come back to Him. HOW AM I WORTHY OF THAT? This amazing creator of ours took me back. He stood by me when I was at my weakest, at my most vulnerable times & loved me. He knew what I was going through & He never left me alone. 

Do I still get angry with God? ABSOLUTELY! I still find myself questioning Gods motives on things. I'm human, I have bad days. More bad than good sometimes. But during those times I HAVE to take a step back & look at what He's doing. Our God knew the soul, the kindness, the love my brother had & He chose him to come Home. My brother was hand picked by the beautiful creator of all things. He knew the love my brother had for Him. He knew the precious heart he had. & He picked him to come back Home. 

My brother has given me a whole new outlook on life. I pray for anyone & everyone asking for prayers. I stop whatever I'm doing. I try & look for the good in every person & every situation. I try to focus on how blessed my life is. I'm not saying I don't struggle. Because I do. I still get angry. I still have times where I just want things to go my way. I'm impatient. I'm selfish at times. I tend to hold onto things I need to let go. But I try. & I love God with all that I have. My faith has grown immensely. & I owe it all to the love my brother had for God. & I thank my brother every single day for showing me that love. 

There has never been a time in my life where I didn't believe in God. There was never a time where I didn't love God. But there was a time where I could've loved more. Where I could've have trusted Him more. Where I could've let my selfish ways go. & that's the beauty of Gods love. There was this season of my life where the weight of the world was pushing me & what I didn't know was that the roots of my faith were being planted. & now here I am at my most vulnerable & my faith is blooming. 

You're going to have trials in your life when you want to run from God. You're going to have events where you get so angry with Him. Events that you just don't get & you think you know what's right & He doesn't. & you're going to have days where you feel like the whole world is against you & you'll ask yourself 'why does this stuff always happen to me?' That is God nudging you to trust Him & to come closer to Him. He planned your life for you. He loves you. You are His child. & you're doing the best you can. 

His Life Matters

My brother overdosed. My 22 year old brother overdosed. I remember saying that over & over in my head. How did MY brother overdose? My best friend growing up, my 6'2", green eyed, blonde hair brother.

Overdose. Meth, heroine, cocaine. Trashy, no future, thief, no home life. Was that the first thing that came to your mind? Because at one point in my life it was the first thing that came to mine. I get it. That's all you’re taught. No one tells you that car wreck you got into, or that broken arm you got was going to get you into pain medication. & that pain medication could potentially put you in a spiraling tunnel that was going to ruin or potentially end your life.

My brother overdosed from an opioid. My brother died from an accidental fentanyl overdose. What he thought was a Xanax was actually cheaply made with fentanyl.  Had he known what that one high was going to do, he would have never done it. Because of that one high that he so eagerly wanted, we don't have him anymore. I will never get to see him, he will never get to meet his nephew he so anxiously waited for. My mom lost her baby. Her only son. My sister and I lost our childhood best friend. I lost the closest DNA to me.

My brother knew he had a problem. He hated it. He hated it so much he stopped it all & moved back home right beside my mom. He told her he wanted to be closer to his family. That he felt so lost without us.  He was such a family oriented person. Such a big and kind heart. SO forgiving. Too forgiving. He loved God with all of his heart. A month before he overdosed, he was baptized. He died with his bible open right next to him.

I miss the ‘Do you know what day it is?!’ ‘ITS MY BIRTHDAY!’ Conversations. I miss all the little things that fall in to every day talks that don’t seem big until they’re gone. I remember going to my moms a few days before he was gone & I was walking in, he was walking out. & as always he said ‘hey, Mace! Love you!’ A few weeks before that I needed to fit a sofa table in to my little car & as soon as he saw me pull up, he was ready to help.

Addiction is hard. It's hard to stop. It's hard to see what you're doing & who it's affecting. It's too easy to remember how great & on top of the world you felt when you were high. How easy it was to escape. My brother was sober for a year. But then addiction pulled him straight back in.

You don't have to be trashy to overdose. You don't have to come from a broken home. These people are of the norm. These people are actually, genuinely really great people. These people come from homes like you and I. These people have family's that would do anything for them. These people are loving and so loved.

Grieving is hard. Remembering a memory of him is harder. Hearing an old voicemail or seeing an old video is even harder. But knowing that other families could potentially feel the same pain we do is the hardest. Until you recognize that this is problem, it's going to be continuesly thrown under the rug.

This problem needs to be recognized. It is becoming more and more common. No one needs to go through the pain my family, as well as others, have to go through. THIS IS REAL. and happening every.single.day. If you are struggling or know someone that is struggling, I urge you, no I BEG YOU to get the help. call me, message me if you don't have anyone. I promise I will do whatever I need to do to help.

Destin was such a great kid. Such a great Christian. Such a great son, brother, grandson, uncle, cousin, nephew, friend. I would give anything to have him back.